What would happen if we divided the country in 2?

Thanks to Johnny for sending this my way.
Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving. We
intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with
us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to
the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.
You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and
we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you
don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to
spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of
the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese,
90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!),
most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors,
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of
all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the
war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory,
53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States


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3 Comments on “What would happen if we divided the country in 2?”

  1. Julia Says:

    I’m gonna make one hell of a monster of a pineapple upside down cake.

  2. Annette Says:

    This could be one of the coolest things I’ve ever read! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

  3. Sam Says:

    This could be the best idea anyone has ever come up with. Geographical separation? Whatever. It’s funny how the states that apparently need the most help from tax revenues are the ones whose citizens oppose taxation the most.


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